Feeling Abandoned Me Too
Have you ever felt alone, abandoned by life?
I know I have and recently too.
Right now it seems as if the world around me has left me behind, or at least looks at me differently; whether real or not, I feel out casted, even by the people closest to me.
In my dreams I’m on a deserted island that even the birds avoid. I can look out over the water and see emptiness for miles, while storms rage around me. It really is a frightening place to be when you’re alone (at least in my dreams it is).
In the real world I’m surrounded by people, but, they might as well not exist because they don’t see me, the real me, the person who questions the future, wonders about his purpose and is wavering in his faith. I’m held together but by a single thread of hope, the hope that tomorrow will come and it’ll be better, but seriously not much more than that.
Don’t misunderstand me, I know I’m loved; I have the best wife and kids in the world. They support me in everything I do (or try to do). But, that’s the only physical constant in my life.
In everything else, waves of turmoil have come into my life lately. We’ve been battling with one sick child after the next, Just as soon as we think we’re at the end of it, the cycle of stuffy heads and runny noses begins again. I seriously feel like I haven’t slept in three months!
My beautiful wife’s blood pressure was high enough to cause physical illness and then there’s me and a recent consultation with my cardiologist that was anything but encouraging. Let’s just say, God will have to provide a miracle for me on that one! It all just feels and looks dismal!
It almost feels like I’m on the edge of the cliff to a bottomless trench and I’m beginning to fall. But, I’m not afraid only because I’ve been here before, but admittedly, it’s too easy to forget that I’m not really alone.
God has always been faithful to me even when I haven’t been faithful to him!
To sum it up, I was sexually abused by my step-brother when I was eight, tail spinning my life into utter chaos and determined self-destruction. I’ve been on the verge of death as a result of my own insanity. I was so self-destructive at one point in my life, to take the edge off, I’d cut myself with razors and knives. Playing doctor I would even suture myself back together. One time I cut to deep, hit an artery landing me in the emergency room.
I even joined the U.S Marine Corps with suicide by heroic act as my motive. My plan was to throw myself on a grenade or rush a machine gun nest, something crazy like that. Although I told everyone I joined the Corps because they were the hardest of all the branches and had the best uniform (which is true, by the way).
I grew up in church and did everything expected of me on the surface, but when the eyes of the world weren’t on me, I was anything but Christ like. Truthfully, I was just the opposite!
If heaven was the government, I’d have a rap sheet that fell from heaven and touched the earth. I’ve done things that I’m so ashamed of, that it’s doubtful that anyone but me, God, my wife and the people I hurt will ever even know about it. I’m probably one of the most undeserving men on the face of the earth and definitely don’t deserve to get any grace from God or anyone else.
Yet although my sins are many and my shame deep, God showed me undeserved grace through all of that and saved me, when I wasn’t looking for Him. He replaced the pain of my very existence with a woman, who, He gave the strength to, to love an unlovable man. And now we’ve been married for nearly 22 years.
Even with all that sadly, of late, I’ve been wandering in the deserted island of my life once again, searching…. trying to find my peace, my judgment clouded by the storms in my life. My Faith faltering before my eyes and a resurgence of frustration building up within me!
But God hasn’t given up on me and He’s come out to find me again.
What’s happened? I’ve forgotten a key principle of Faith?
My focus has been on my storm and not on my Savior. It’s the same mistake Peter made when he had enough Faith to get out of the boat and walk on water to Jesus, but lost sight of Christ and started to focus on the storm, the waves, the rain… the very depth of the ocean. That’s when he began to sink, but even in his lack, when He cried out “Lord save me”, Jesus reached out and pulled him to safety.
What was Jesus’ question to Peter after he was back on the boat?
Why did you doubt?
I’m asking myself that question right now. Why am I doubting since Jesus has always saved me from the worst events of my life!
I’ve decided once again to step out in Faith and pursue what I believe was God’s plan for my life all along. But as is the case, even for Jesus, now that I’ve stepped out in Faith, the tempter has shown up to try to persuade me to choose a different path, to go back to what used to work or what used to be. But this time, I refuse! I will not falter on my dreams any longer…. Period!
If you’ve had or are having a similar experience please let us know. Leave a comment or send us an email to firstname.lastname@example.org so we can pray for you!