It’s a place that I’ve been before but in the last couple of years it’s where I’ve found myself again. It’s as if I’d wandered deep into a desert and misplaced all of my maps and compass. Truthfully, circumstances and certain people have given me a real sense of abandonment that I haven’t felt in a long, long time.
Add to that, the reality of age and a sense that time is running out for me to fulfill anything purposeful in my life and my world seemingly continues to shrink around me. Frankly, not having a clear direction on where to point my feet to fulfill the destiny that God had ordained for me, has created a unique battle in my life. On one hand knowing in my Spirit that everything will turn out fine, just like it has so many times in my life before, and my mind sounding the alarm about the cracks in the pillars of the world that I’ve built around myself. Even while I cry out in the darkness of my pain often all I hear are the echoes of my own cries, crushing my expectation of hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit giving me the answers I so desperately seek;
Which way do I go now?
What do you want from me God? I beg for an answer… but silence is my answer.
As many of you may already know, we are expecting our 5th child; an exciting time for parents. At least it’s supposed to be; and it usually is for me (Thank you Lord for giving me another boy!). But, this time I’m both excited and a bit terrified for reasons I can’t quite put my finger on… well, yes I can. The reason boils down to one word… MONEY! Because we just had a baby last year who is now barely one; we haven’t replaced all of the extra expenses from paying her medical bills, and now we are just a couple of months away from the arrival of John Michael and we’re waiting expectantly for the next “but God” moment.
You see, in my Spirit I know that we’ve been on the cliff of financial disaster before and at the exact right time God has pulled us away from going off that cliff. You’d think that it would be so easy to rest in the peace of knowing that God will take care of us, but the reality is walking in Faith just isn’t that easy in practice. I guess that’s why the Bible says Faith without works is dead; because Faith in practice is hard work.
I admit that I’ve failed in many cases to keep my peace, especially when I have to look at my budget; seeing the numbers add up to just enough but not enough at the same time; I suppose it’s because my flesh wants to worry, to find a solution and even to play God over my circumstances but it’s pure fact that I can’t be or will I ever be capable of what God is capable of doing.
No, FAITH requires more… much, much more than being my own God.
It requires me to keep walking down the road in the dark, the rain and even… no, especially when I can’t know where that road leads me, but knowing that God had divinely directed my steps. Faith is not evidence, but the hope of the manifestations of our expectations of God. To trust God the same way our children start life trusting us to guide them until they a mature.
The only trick I know to stay in Faith is to do what David did… Praise God while I wander in my own desert, Praise Him through and for my struggles knowing that God is stretching my Faith and building my character and to Praise Him in my tears and worry and fear because I know when you’re brought to a place of weakness, God moves mountains on your behalf. No, not because I deserve His mercy but because He loved me enough to give me a gift; the gift of righteousness when He sent Christ to stand in my place on the cross. And it’s in Christ where we all can find our peace in every circumstance and it’s where I’m choosing to find my peace now.
So today, I choose Christ instead of worry, fear or desperation and I know that what God has done for me before He’ll do again and so much more because He promised in His word to do (Ephesians 3:20) exceedingly, abundantly more than I could ever ask or think! That is what I choose because when you get down to it, Faith is a choice… and we all can choose it today!
It was recently impressed upon me to stop trying to “preach” to people but to allow the Holy Spirit to minister to people through my weaknesses and vulnerability.
It is my solemn prayer that you’ve been touched today and that you’ll be kind enough to share this message with a fellow human being so they can know where to find hope. Also, please give me your feedback by leaving a comment.
Thank you and God Bless!